Happy Holidays! Here’s a short play I wrote for the festivities.
THE YULE-GATOR AT THE NEON CYPRESS by John Weagly
(Lights up.
The Neon Cypress, a roadhouse down by the swamps. There are a couple of signs advertising Abita beer and Old Crow whiskey. Cajun Christmas music plays on the jukebox. JUVENAL tends bar and looks like he’s been tending bar here for several decades. WALLY sits at the bar, an abiding barfly. After a moment, ALICE enters. She is in her early-twenties and attractive in a wild way. She carries a log.)
ALICE
Got it!
JUVENAL
Look at that there – As fine a pagan tradition as I ever did see.
ALICE
Found it over by the Black Willow Cascade. It should burn just fine.
WALLY
Light it and don’t let it go out.
(ALICE puts the log into a barbecue grill that the Neon Cypress uses as an impromptu fireplace.)
ALICE
What’s the point of a Yule log, anyway? I never did know.
WALLY
It’s bad luck to let it go out.
JUVENAL
‘Round about these parts, the stories go back year after year about the Yule-Gator.
ALICE
Is this one of those ridiculous swamp legends you like to tell?
JUVENAL
Legend – yes, ridiculous – no. This happens every year around this season. Now-a-times we call it the Eve of Christmas, but, long ago, it was just Winterpeak. On Winterpeak, from out of the coldest, deepest, darkest part of the swamp, came the biggest alligator the bayou ever seen – the Yule-Gator.
ALICE
The Yule-Gator?
JUVENAL
That’s right, to be sure.
ALICE
Let me guess, the Yule-Gator roams the countryside with nary a care in the world, gobbling up all the bad little boys and girls.
JUVENAL
That’s it! That’s what he does! Grown people, too! The Yule-Gator goes after anybody that’s done somethin’ in the last year that they was ashamed of.
ALICE
That don’t narrow the field too much, does it?
JUVENAL
Long as a fallen tree that grew for a hundred years, heavier than all the marsh-mud that could be dredged up by ten thousand men – he has eyes like frozen hearts and claws like insults from an ex-lover. His teeth are so long and sharp that…
ALICE
We get it! He’s a nasty dude.
JUVENAL
That he is, surely. The only thing that keeps that ornery monster away from people trying to love each other is the light and the warmth of a Yule log burning. People sit around that fire together and that kind of comradery gives them safety and protection from things that mean to do them harm.
WALLY
It’s bad luck to let it go out.
ALICE
Okay – so that’s the point of a Yule log. Keeps away the Yule-Gator. I guess now I know.
WALLY
Light it and don’t let it go out.
ALICE
Okey-doke.
(ALICE searches her pockets for matches or a lighter. She finds nothing.)
ALICE
Looks like I’m all out of fire tonight, fellas.
(JUVENAL and WALLY both search their pockets.)
JUVENAL
I ain’t got nothin’.
(WALLY makes a gesture to indicate “Me, neither.”)
ALICE
So, how do we want to handle this?
(Something starts scratching at the door to the tavern, something that sounds very large and full of ill will.)
ALICE
That him? That the Yule-Gator?
JUVENAL
It ain’t Father Christmas.
ALICE
How ‘bout that.
(They listen to the scratching for a brief moment.)
ALICE
Got any ideas on getting’ rid of him?
JUVENAL
Either of you done anything in the last year that you’re ashamed of?
ALICE
Nope! I live fine with the stuff I do.
WALLY
Me neither! All year I’ve been lit and I didn’t let it go out.
JUVENAL
Me, too. My guilt is pretty inconsiderable. (Calling.) You hear that, Yule-Gator? No shame here! No need for you! Go on, Gator! Git!
(The scratching at the door ceases.)
ALICE
Back to the coldest, deepest, darkest part of the swamp he goes!
(JUVENAL pours three drinks and raises his glass in a toast.)
JUVENAL
To the holidays and tradition!
(JUVENAL, ALICE and WALLY all drink.)
ALICE
Anybody got any stories about eggnog?
(Lights down.)