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Happy Halloween!
Here’s a short play I wrote just for the holiday.
Enjoy!
OSCILLATING SASQUATCH
by John Weagly
(Lights up. A cemetery. The dark of night. October 30 – Halloween Eve. TRIXIEBELLE-WREN and PEACH-CALLIOPE stand waist-deep in a grave. They are both in their early-twenties and are slightly-goth, slightly-punk and slightly-hillbilly. There are piles of freshly-turned dirt behind them. They both have shovels. They dig for a moment.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Can we take a break for a minute?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Sure.
(They stop digging and catch their breath.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
How much deeper do we have to go?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I don’t know – six feet under, so I guess we have to hit six feet.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
This is wild.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
It’s not my fault.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
I’m not saying it is. I’m not even saying it’s bad. I’m just saying – it’s wild.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Cooter-Cain loved Oscillating Sasquatch. He wanted to be buried with all of his Oscillating Sasquatch CD’s.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
And our tickets.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I had no idea.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
For tomorrow night’s Oscillating Sasquatch Halloween concert.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
I didn’t realize he put the concert tickets in the CD case for “Bigfoot Barf.”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt.
(Pause.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Do you miss him?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Not really. I know I should, he was a pretty good boyfriend, but… meh, I just don’t.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
I don’t miss him either. I liked him well enough, but – yeah, meh, I just don’t.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Meh.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.
(Pause.)
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Interesting way to go.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
No kidding!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“The worst pumpkin-carving accident since the Jack-O-Lantern Jack-knife Slaughter of 1978.”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
He’s a part of history.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Did they ever find his toe?
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Nope. Never did.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Good-bye Cooter-Cain McGillicuty.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s what he’ll be remembered for. The way he died.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
That and his love for Oscillating Sasquatch.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
The greatest punk jug band in the history of punk jug bands!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
So many great songs! “Anarchy Rag!”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Everything Blows Except Me & My Jug.”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Blitzkrieg Washtub.”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“My Baby Got The Spoons, So Go Fork Yourself!”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Bathwater Lobotomy!”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Cooter-Cain and I met at an Oscillating Sasquatch concert.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
I remember!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
They were touring for “Diseased Brain in the River Bottom.”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt. Cooter-Cain was dancing and screaming like his soul was on fire.
(PEACH-CALLIOPE starts singing/screeching and dancing. After a moment, TRIXIBELLE-WREN dances with her and joins in.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Don’t tell me about your life,
Don’t tell me about your wife,
I don’t care about your ugly mug,
All I care about is me and my jug!”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Cause I’ve got a…”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Diseased Brain in the River Bottom,
A Diseased Brain in the River Bottom,
A Diseased Brain in the River Bottom!”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
He swept me off my feet.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Being swept off your feet is so over-rated.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. I didn’t like it. Meh.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.
(They pick up their shovels and start digging.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
I never really liked pumpkins.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
No?
PEACH-CALLIOPE
No. Even before Cooter-Cain’s mishap. They’re so orange and stupid.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You’re right! They are orange and stupid! Now that I think about it, I never liked pumpkins either!
PEACH-CALLIOPE
You’re such a good friend.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You, too.
(They hug.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
You know I slept with Cooter-Cain, right? A bunch of times.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. I know. How did you like it?
PEACH-CALLIOPE
He was okay.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. He tried pretty hard, but he was just okay.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Yeah. Meh.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Meh. Still, he loved him some Oscillating Sasquatch.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
He was really looking forward to the Halloween concert.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
You’ve heard their new one, right?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Moonshine Meltdown on Sedation Street?” Hell, yes!
PEACH-CALLIOPE
That’s their best album.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Without a doubt.
(Their shovels hit something.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Got it.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Huh. I guess we didn’t have to go six feet.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Still, when I go, I’m going to be cremated. I don’t want to put anybody through this.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Good idea.
(TRIXIEBELLE-WREN crouches down. We hear a creak as the coffin is opened.)
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Oh! Wow!
PEACH-CALLIOPE
What?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
It’s not him. This isn’t Cooter-Cain’s grave.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
It’s not?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
No. This is Jethro-Dante. I dated him, too.
PEACH-CALLIOPE
So did I!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
(Waving at the corpse.)
Hi, Jethro-Dante!
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Hey, J.D.!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
(Pointing to another part of the graveyard.)
Want to try over there?
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Why don’t I just buy us new concert tickets?
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Can you do that?
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Sure. They’re not sold out. And they’re only five bucks.
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
You’re such a good friend!
PEACH-CALLIOPE
Woooooo! Oscillating Sasquatch!
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
Oscillating Sasquatch rules!
(They start singing/screeching and dancing again.)
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Shuck that corn…”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Throw it in the still…”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Dump in the sugar…”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Careful not to spill…”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“I got no shoes…”
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN
“Down on my feet…”
PEACH-CALLIOPE
“I’m havin’ a…
TRIXIEBELLE-WREN & PEACH-CALLIOPE
“Moonshine Meltdown on Sedation Street!”
(Lights down.)
.